this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize