All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
