why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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