Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
