What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
