I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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