i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize