So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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