Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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