when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
