i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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