i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
