Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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