My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
