I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
