I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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