Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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