so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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