I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
