Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize