I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
