Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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