great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
