Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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