she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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