Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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