My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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