My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
