I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
