Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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