Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
