I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
