I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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