Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
