You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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