Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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