When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize