I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
