Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
