My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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