I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
