we have pet lesbian snakes
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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