dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize