i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
