i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
