so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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