You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
