loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
