Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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