Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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