she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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