I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
