Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
