he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I cut my penus on the lid.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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