Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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