if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
