2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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