just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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