I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there was a trapeze. enough said
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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