Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
