Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
