She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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