So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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