**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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