Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We're too hungover to prance.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
