I feel like abortions should bother me more
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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