dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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