the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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